24 Apr Sex Prep for the Nervous
SEX: everyone knows about, everyone does it at some point in his or her lives, and it’s generally seen as a pretty fun activity for the consenting adult.
However, the lead up to the sex itself can be one of the most nerve racking experiences you will ever come across. This is particularly true if you’re about to have sex with someone you genuinely care about and want to please sexually. That need to be an enjoyable experience for the other person as well as yourself, can be one of the things that actually harms your performance.
With men, there’s a societal tendency to drill into their heads that they must be confident sex machines, ready to go regardless if it’s your first time or not. If you’re a man in your mid-20’s, who’s currently in a relationship that you’re ready to take to the next level, and are feeling nervous about what you’re going to do, fear not.
Below are some helpful tips and tricks to help you relax before your lovely night with your significant other.
#1. Safety can be relaxing
Every teenager learns in school that sex can result in STI’s and unforeseen pregnancies (often more than they learn about the actual act itself) and while the chances of this happening to you may have been exaggerated a touch, that risk is still very real. And if it makes you nervous, that’s okay. Before having sex, check with your partner about having protection. This can be either a condom, or a morning after pill, or several other methods of protecting yourselves. If you think you may have an STI, check with your local Planned Parenthood clinic for a free test. There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about playing it safe.
#2. Don’t think, feel
So, you’ve made it into bed. Your clothes are off, and the sex has commenced. But unbelievably, the sex prep hasn’t necessarily ended yet. What this means is that there is a good mindset to put yourself in before the sex begins so you can negate any feelings of nervousness you may have. Two words: deep breaths. Focus on deep breathing exercises during sex.
Now, it should go without saying that you should remember to breathe when having sex, but this actually helps in a different way. As you breathe while having sex, turn your focus away from the thoughts of screwing up, or self consciously judging everything you’re doing, or wondering whether they’re enjoying it etc. and instead focus on how it feels to have the other person’s body pressed up against yours. Focus on how their hair feels between your fingers, or the sound of their voice. Whatever you’re feeling, focus on that, and just feel the stress and nervousness melt away into nothing.
#3. Bring plenty of lube
Now, that may raise your eyebrow somewhat, but rest assured, this is going somewhere. Men are sometimes liable to bad mouth lube because some see it as an indicator that one or both parties aren’t sufficiently aroused. But lube is a great benefit to those inexperienced with sex (even if they’ve technically had sex before). Adding a little lube to your penis can make the act of coitus several times more pleasurable for both you and your partner. Lube is also important if you follow #1 and use protection. If there’s one thing that latex (the material primarily used for condoms) hates, it’s friction. Something you’re going to be making a lot of tonight. If you’re suspicious at all about the structural integrity of your condom tonight, a little lube will ensure that the rubber will do its job.
#4. Above all else; foreplay
Foreplay is a cornerstone of sex; make plenty of it before getting to the sex. This is especially true of straight couples, since, despite the two being in the same anatomical vicinity as one another, vaginal intercourse brings very little stimulation to the clitoris. And the clitoris is where a lot of women’s sexual pleasure derives. And even then, you should make sure to thoroughly learn all of your partner’s most sensitive areas (how you do this is up to you) and then focus on pleasing the areas that get the most reaction. Remember, above all else; foreplay.
#5. Partner’s pleasure > your technique
When engaging in sex, your first priority to each other should be the other’s pleasure. How you “perform” by some arbitrary scale is irrelevant. If you believe something will pleasure your partner, or has already done so, keep doing it. The great thing about sex is that it is almost unfairly easy to tell if you’re actually doing well. Is your partner enjoying himself or herself? If so, then you’re doing great. Focus on that, and you have nothing to be nervous about.
#6. Keyword: consent.
Always make sure you get consent and give consent before you start sex. And this isn’t just normal consent, but enthusiastic consent. There is nothing more nerve racking than doubting whether you or your partner actually wanted to go through with this at all when you’re already inside them. Make sure that it’s already well established that you and your partner don’t just want to have sex, but that you really want to have sex. Words cannot describe how much of a load this is off of your nerves.
#7. Set expectations low
We live in the age of the internet, where there is terabytes of content freely available, and a mere google search away, featuring people paid and trained to be better at sex than anyone can reasonably be otherwise. Porn has its place, but you should always keep that in mind, that it is all an act, and rarely does anyone know what they’re doing when sex actually starts.
If this is your first time, then you are guaranteed to be awkward, messy, and most of all: human. Remember that this is alright. Be sure to look yourself in the mirror before you and your lover get into the bedroom, and reassure yourself that it’s not going to be like it is on T.V. and that is okay. A good subtle way to do this is to flat out not watch porn for the days leading up to the date where you plan on taking the next step. After all, should all go well, you won’t need it anymore.
As a man, you might be less than willing to admit that you’re nervous about having sex. All this means is that you care about the experience with the other person, which is fine. Just take the above listed steps, and above all else; have fun.